IPDPS 2009

Your daughter is atttcared to me. I misunderstood.She was 3 years old.I explained a daughter cravingher father's love,needing to know her value in his eyes.That was not what he was saying.Not really.Had he been able to tell the truthhad he known what truth really washe would not have dared to say I am sexually atttcared to your baby girl. Over the years he became more himself,unable to hide from the family he held captive.He watched us, criticized us, accused usYet in the eveningbefore bedwe all gathered in the living roomfor Bible reading.Here he continued to try to keep the mask upsaying to us in his commentarieshe was the godly one,we needed his help and guidanceto keep us from hell.In the car one day,just the two of us on the way to the mallhe rained down curses on me,curses he claimed came from God.I was too afraid to cry.His mind held two ways of living.The lover of Godhead of the familyfriend to co-workers and church goers,the dependable onewho could be trustedcalled upon in times of troubleIntelligent compassionateYet this was an act.We knew the man who hatedmistrustedtwisted everyone's actions and wordsto show they were really the evil oneshated people of color or culture that varied fromwhat he knew was RIGHT.We became afraid of his angerhis braiding our words togetherto get his own interpretationbecause he could see things we could notof course.We too then became livers of two livesin an attempt to spare us punishment for wrongs he imagined.Mommy and happy childrenwhile he was away at workfooling othersuntil 4:00 came and our panic set in.He would be home soon.Clean up the toys and gameswash the dishes and sweep the floorto hide any love and happiness.Fear begat anxietybut the tension he came home to comforted him.We had the correct amount of respect for himin his way of thinking.The words of the therapist echoed in my headand confirmed the hopelessness of our situation.How to be rid of him?There were only two ways.He could find another woman with childrenor he could die.This was life with a sociopath.